Funk's Resolutions

OK, maybe it's already three days into the Y2K7, but surely God will appreciate a few resolutions, however belatedly? So, here goes:

-- Less talk, more funk.

-- Cut down collection of stray cats by 10 percent.

-- Invent more creative methods of arson, possibly including baby formula.

-- Make fun of more weird-looking hobos.

-- Drop heroin habit. (Outside of regular users group.)

-- Eat less exotically.

-- Mount a coup.

-- Put the days of petty crime behind me; find a way to finally break into white-collar crime.

-- Look into cornering the emerging trans-fat blackmarket, likely involving increased hawking of my delectable Extra Crispy Smorestaco™ at Washington Square Park.

-- Re-convert to Paganism.

-- Memorize every line in "Blood In, Blood Out," aka cinema's pinnacle achievement, until my (Caucasian) Mexican street gang figures out how to improve our street cred.

-- Train my robot to dance like a gypsy. (Could be funny.)

-- Less Internet, more TV.

-- Plant a tree.

-- Infiltrate a subculture.

-- Orgies!

-- Use profits from freelance architecture projects to finance sustainable development of the efforts to raise awareness of the HIV-strain ravaging the gay community of Algerian spider monkeys populating West Bengalese ghettos. Afterward, write an ironic poem about the whole episode.

-- Build that sprawling 12-room mansion I've designed (replete with guest houses, 9-hole par-three golf course, Olympic-sized swimming pool and tennis courts) in Brazil's beautiful Amazon Rainforest.

-- Train my gypsy to dance like a robot. (Could be funny.)

-- Write the screenplay depicting my epic rise in the sordid world of Brooklyn's underground freestyle rap battle scene, culminating with my improbable defeat of that punk-ass, 50 Cent. Related: Sue producers of "Rap War One" for using my life story without proper acknowledgment.

-- Start a book (burning) club.

-- Hit lecture circuit; speak out on how pervasive major-league sports leather jackets threaten reputation for urban areas' trend-setting position in global fashion.

-- Incorporate the phrase "monkey's dalliance" into regular parlance. Ensure context -- e.g., "Talk about putting the finger paint in the tomato jar, his third-quarter presentation was a veritable monkey's dalliance" -- never leaves the impression that the phrase actually means something.

-- Clean up the large blood stain currently hidden by love seat.

-- Challenge Mayor Bloomberg to a wrestling match, Health Commissioner Frieden to a 10k. Smoke cigarettes throughout duration of said competitions.

-- Rake more muck!

Happy New Years!